Bourgy.com

The apocalypse is finally here. Rock of Love Bus premiered last evening.

The first episode starts off like all of the “of Love” shows normally do, a whiny little montage about how he (Bret) can’t find love, so he does another season to try to find “love.” Apparently, this will be his last Rock Of Love. (I guess God really does perform miracles.)

Opening credits roll, and the song is just as shitty as the first two seasons.

I guess the tour is going to start in Louisville, Kentucky; and as Bret finally walks in, the girls cheer like they always do. He explains that this is a real tour and he has to be places on time and when the bus leaves they need to be on it and that they will get left somewhere in America if they’re not.
The girls line up for the taking of morally questionable pictures for their backstage passes where we finally learn their names.

Camera + Skanks = Nudity

The first girl up for pictures is the girl who we all were lead to believe was Jasmineva, but is actually Brittany (I know I spelled it wrong, but I really don’t give a fuck about how to spell sluttified normal names.) and Bret swears he knows her from somewhere. He then says to her, “I’ve seen your movies.” and Brittany admits she’s done porn (and a lot of it), but adds she is in a different point in her life and she’s looking to settle down with someone. (Because Bret Michaels is really someone you want to settle down with?)

Jasmineva/Brittany then explains that it was 6-7 years ago (IMDB proves otherwise, as well as her “directing” websites where she makes a few appearances here and there, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt) and that she’s moved on and she’s doing singing and songwriting and then sings some song horribly, and the girls laugh.

Next up is Melissa who teaches pole dancing and Pilates and is really conceited, but really forgettable.
Now the moment we’re all waiting for. The next girl is Nikki (aka Daisy on crack) and says she’s a DJ but that’s not why she’s here. (surrrre)

She apparently used to do graffiti and got 6 months of jail time so she got her boobs done so she wouldn’t do it anymore, as well.  She, too, wants to sing a song that she wrote for Bret. She takes the lyrics out of her bag and they’re written on the back of instructions about genital herpes and gonorrhea. (Most awkward moment 2009 Bourgies nominee?) This song was equally as horrible as Brittany’s. They credit her as DJ Lady Tribe and not Nikki.

Ashley is next and her segment was equally as conceited and stupid, as expected. Then comes Heather and she’s shy, so she’ll probably be gone by the end of the episode. Next is Megan, she trains animals, but she was definitely outshone by Constandina who came after her. Constandina hails from the foothills of the Appalachian mountains and has a master’s degree in storytelling. (I didn’t know you could go to college for that, let alone a master’s) In other words, she’s Angelique’s less slutty replacement. Natasha is next and she’s pretty awesome. (I think she’s the only black chick on all three ROL’s with a decent shot at making it past the first three episodes)

Marci is next… Boring!
Stephanie is conservative and… boring. (I really don’t think I need to point out the oxymoron of being conservative and on Rock of Love)
Kelsey is from Utah and apparently they know how to party. (They also have no problem with polygamy, so Kelsey should be okay)
Maria is 40 (honestly, I couldn’t tell) and a retired model and is “probably the only model in the house that keeps her clothes on.” (Fucking finally, VH1)

Next comes Marcia and gets enough screen time to tell us she is from Brazil. Then comes a younger Rodeo (in looks and insanity) named Mindy and a prettier Heather named Farrah. Again, she’s conceited and thinks she’s some sort of hot shit, but she’s funny about it, so I guess it’s okay.

Then we meet Brittanya and Bret looks like a kid in a candy store while looking at her tattoos, she seems okay at this point. Beverly comes next and she is from Atlanta and my pick to win this thing. (She reminds me of Jes, but better)
Next is Samantha and she gets carsick. (I would have said she is batshit crazy/hot mess, but I don’t have a thesaurus handy)

Taya is a Penthouse Pet and doesn’t want to be pegged as the party/naked girl, so she just shows her ass. (Because showing your ass is so much better than showing your tits) Then, to raise the bar after Taya, Gia takes off her dress and gets completely naked -except for a thong- before she even gets to the stage where Bret takes her picture. She, apparently, was the last one. (I guess last really is least in this case)

Ohhhh, so that’s a Bloody Mary!

Bret gathers the girls after they have begun drinking and says he has a concert tonight and they are invited. The girls rush and grab their luggage and go.
There are two buses, a blue one and a pink one. Haphazardly, the girls throw their luggage into the compartments. Big John (who doesn’t look that big this season, might I add) comes in and says the obvious about how it’s like a puzzle, and then the first fight of the season starts.

Nikki (I will refer to her as Nikki because DJ Lady Tribe is too much to type) starts flipping out about people throwing her Louis Vuitton luggage out, and though Natasha tells her to stop freaking out, they start yelling at each other and Natasha says that Nikki needs medication and is on drugs.

The girls divide themselves, blondes on the pink bus, brunettes on the blue, before hitting the bottles again.
Marcia -on the pink bus- mouths the toilet is clogged and Ashley starts instigating Marcia by singing some song about taking a crap and how Marcia looks like a beaver.

Marcia tries to hold in her anger as Ashley makes fun of her English. But eventually she had enough of her and pours her drink all over Ashley. An argument ensues and Melissa starts screaming and crying about wanting to go home and not be around all these “fake bitches.” (People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, Melissa)
Meanwhile, everyone on the blue bus is getting along and having fun.

They finally arrive at the show and Bret allows the girls to dance on stage with him, but Gia and Farrah dance suggestively (if they were in a bed it would be considered foreplay) and make out for no reason other than they are drunk -and whores. Taya is mortified and says she may be a centerfold model for Penthouse, but she is the classiest one there at this point.
The show ends and they go to an after-party.

At the after-party, Ashley makes a comment on Beverly’s shoes (What the fuck? You don’t go to a concert, let alone a rock concert, in 6 inch stiletto heels or anything fashionable like that unless you want your feet broken) and Beverly does likewise, on Ashley’s dress.
Ashley, the stuck up bitch she is, says that Beverly’s boobs are saggy (Sorry, Ashley, but that’s what boobs look like when you don’t pay 10,000$ for them) and gets in her face.
Gia then starts in on Beverly. When Beverly finishes her drink, she throws the empty cup at Gia.
Gia is so drunk at this point she doesn’t know Beverly threw the drink at her until Farrah snitches. She (Gia) then throws a couple drinks at Beverly.

Finally, Bret arrives, but his voice is gone.
Nikki then orders three buttery nipple shots and while Gia is on the bar, legs spreadeagled and wearing no panties, Nikki takes a shot out of her vagina.
(Did I seriously just type that?)

Thanks to the gods of standards and practices, we can’t see what exactly happened though I would have liked to see it just to understand how the fuck that’s possible. (Anyone care to explain it?)
The girls look on with disgust and Bret thinks it is way too much, but notes alcohol kills 99.9% of germs. (I don’t think it kills herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea or whatever STD that Gia probably has)

Group Tongue

The next morning the girls gather and Nikki is late. Big John tells them to pack up, ’cause they’re staying in a hotel now.
At the hotel and bored, the girls take to drinking again.
There are three rooms and three cliques already; The Blondetourage (aka the sluts), the semi-crazy girls and the quiet boring girls.
Farrah and Gia, already drunk, make fun of the (mostly) brunette girls for not drinking. In the next room, Constandina teaches Brittany how to belly dance.

Marcia is drinking again, in true Courtney fashion; and acting crazy, also in true Courtney fashion. Then she starts vomiting tequila.
Bret shows up just as soon as Marcia is done puking, and Marcia starts kissing him. (I think I need to go brush my teeth now) Bret then pulls Beverly aside to say she was the only girl who knew his songs (at the concert) and that meant a lot to him.
Beverly reminds him she’s a fan, and though she is divorced fully, she admits his was the only name on her ‘free-pass list’ when she was married.
(We get a flashback of Kristy Joe)

Brittany talks to Bret next and she comes off as really needy but their chat is interrupted by Marcia.
The Blondeterage comes up and pulls Bret away from the both of them. Bret asks them if hanging with him is just an excuse to party and they all deny it. Then they all kiss each other (bretteries included).
Bret leaves for the brunette/boring girls room next and nothing memorable happens but a kiss on Maria’s stomach.

Meanwhile, Marcia is still drunk and still acting crazy, throwing a bag of chips at Ashley.
They argue and Ashley pours a beer on Marcia’s head and then Marcia starts choking Ashley. (Thanks for taking one for the team, Marcia)
The fight is broken up and Bret comes in to see what the ruckus is about.
An upset Marcia wants to leave the show but Bret stops her. Ashley then tells him her side of the story and Bret being the hornball that he is, kisses her and she feels better.

Eliminations (sponsored by Valtrex ®)

Elimination arrives and because there is urgency (Wow, Bret Michaels knows what urgency means) to this, instead of handing out passes he just calls the names of seven girls to stay there, while the other thirteen can go board the bus now.

Marci, Stephanie, Gia, Nikki, Brittany, Marcia, and Heather are picked to stay behind. He only has two passes to give out and he gives them to Brittany and Marcia. (I guess you can choke people now on VH1 and still stay, now)
Which means that Nikki and Gia are eliminated. (FUCK YES! However, I am in complete and utter shock that Bret has enough brain cells to eliminate Nikki and Gia)

And there you have it, folks. Rock of Love bus is officially underway and I need to go get tested now.

[pics]