DL’s True Blood Season 3 Premiere Recap 
After a recap of what transpired last season, True Blood Season 3 kicks off with Sookie trying to find her hot piece, Bill, who was kidnapped as he waited for an answer to his proposal.
Sam, meanwhile, is determined to know who his real parents are, so he leaves on a mission to find them.
Jason, who shot Tara’s man in last Season’s finale, is in shock, so he runs home and the first shit he does is open up a beer (OMG, can you say fucking white-trash ? Can’t even change clothes or suttin first?)
Well the beer isn’t strong enough to get the image of his dumbass killin Eggs so he just throws it across the room. (Now would have been a good time to try sum vampire blood with vodka or sumthing. It’s always nice to try new things to take the edge off, it could be like a bloody vampire instead of a bloody mary.)
Mouth To Mouth Resuckitation
Later, we see Bill in the car with the goons who took him, and they look like they are friends of Steupz cause they call themselves the “fuck you crew”. (These dudes aint about playin games with a name like that, so they do it Puerto Rican style and just stab the shit out of Bill.)
Back at the restaurant Sookie is trying to file a missing persons report with the police, but they aint taking her ass too seriously cause she’s a fanger banger.
At Merlott’s however, everyone is giving their testimony as to what happened to Eggs – with Tara jumping at everyone’s throats because she feels no one gives a shit that her boo is dead.
Arlene tries to explain it’s no ones fault that her man was a serial killer. Tara tries to defend her man, saying he wasn’t responsible for his actions but Arlene shoots back “Why? because of society; because of slavery?” (lmfao, I’mma just be nice and says brothas can’t really get away with shit, slavery or otherwise, unless they’re named OJ.)
Tara has that stereotypical, black-girl attitude so she calls Arlene a racist backwards bitch, and that’s Lafayette’s cue to take Tara to Sookie’s house - but not before grabbin the bottle of tequila. (See that’s what I’m talkin bout. Niggas know how to get fucked up the right way. None of that beer shit.)
Back in the car, The fuck you crew is having a grand ol time feastin on Bill’s blood and it’s almost looking like a gay orgy (Hmm, I would have had a great time too, I’d sink my teeth in there real good).
It gets even a bit kinky with dudes trying to swap blood into each other’s mouths just to get a lil V into their system ( “straight” dudes are always into some real fucked up shit)
Can’t We Just Get Along?
Elsewhere, Andy visits Jason to discuss their “official” story for the police investigation. Andy let’s Jason know he has to stop acting like a pussy bitch and get some balls if he doesn’t want to spend his ass getting raped in prison.
Andy adds he has to act normal, be the regular Jason… which means fucking anything in sight (I’d enlist but most bitches this dude fucks, end up dead. I want a deadly dick but that’s not really what I had in mind.)
They even make a little slogan so he can remember what he has to do, “conscience off, dick on, and everything’s gonna be alright.”
Desperate to find Bill, Sookie goes to Eric’s bar, Fangtasia. She finds Eric butt ass naked robo-fucking some chick (Mmm the body on this dude would make any bitch drop to her knees). He claims he had nothing to do with the kidnapping, as he was boning for the last 6 hrs (hummiday hummiday hummiday)
Meanwhile, The Fuck You Crew drop their guard, which allows Bill to snap the driver’s neck. The car crashes into a ditch and Bill escpaes and tries to summon Jessica - the vampire he ‘made’.
At her home, Sookie finds Tara distraught and unwisely, admits she was the one that helped Eggs remember the bad shit MaryAnn entranced him to do. Upset at the confession Tara lunges at Sookie and tries to strangle her. (Shiiitttt. How you gonna strangle the person that’s letting you stay in their house? That is just bad manners.)
Back at Fangtasia we learn Eric did put together a kidnapping mission for Bill, but the ‘Fuck You Crew’ beat him to it.
Wet Dreams
Later we see Sam in a motel in Arkansas. There is a knock on the door, it’s Bill, he needs help after his ordeal. He found Sam because he has his blood in him.
Bill asks for clothes and to shower but Sam doesn’t have anything but what he has on, and gives Bill his shirt. Bill is impressed with Sam’s body, and asks him if he’d like to join him in the shower, since “the water in Arkansas is very hard.”
Sam isn’t trying to resist that temptation as he is clearly hard himself but this shit is too fucking sexy to be true… turns out Sam is just having a great ass fantasy - brought on by the power of Bill’s blood - which is interrupted by the fucking phone ringing (I hate getting my wet dreams interrupted, so I probably would have flung the phone out the window)
Back at Fangtasia, the Queen and the magister (he is the big dawg) pay Eric a little visit. The magister is upset that Bon Temps is becoming the V capital of the world. Eric lies and says he hasn’t noticed an increase in V users, but will look into the matter.
The Queen is used to the best of the best so once the magister leaves she tells Eric to sell everything because she is broke and the feds are on her ass. So they threaten Lafayette - via Pam - to get the job done.
Bill, still in the woods, comes upon an old lady alone in her cabin and sucks on her for dinner. But later erases her memory and even gives her some money (Bill is a stand up guy, he pays bitches for their services. Take notes motherfuckers, you bite into it… you should pay for it.)
Meanwhile Jason’s slogan isn’t really working for him. He can’t seem to turn his conscience off and when he tries to have a threesome with two hoes from New York, his dick is as limp as a noodle. The sluts are horny as fuck and keep asking him what’s wrong, until he finally tells them that he keeps seeing bullet holes when he looks at them, and they run out (Not for nuttin, but this is how bitches end up dead in motel rooms. Especially some white bitches ’cause they be on some real hoe status. They are lucky Jason is a moron and not a psychopath )
Later with the help of Jessica , Sookie finds the car where Bill had the accident and notices one of the guys left for dead has an odd tattoo. They research it and learn it means ‘operation werewolf’. We then cut to Bill surrounded by a pack of werewolves and the show ends with Bill telling them , “I have to warn you, I’ve fed.”
Vote in the poll below and visit Superherofan for R-rated screen grabs of the Premiere
Best Scene Of The True Blood Season 3 Premiere?
- Eric Making Love To The Stripper (52%, 122 Votes)
- Sam's Erotic Dream (37%, 87 Votes)
- The Fuck You Crew Doing Mouth To Mouth (11%, 27 Votes)
Total Voters: 236
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Top recap DL, you made TB3 funny, lol.
I’ll let others decide if that’s a good thing or not.
I’m sorry DL, I can’t read that just yet. I haven’t watched it yet.
Holla!!! I can’t wait!!
Do you need a DL link, Kenri?
I’m getting a copy tomorrow. I’ll be good then. I’ll have comments galore.
Great premiere.
What was you favorite parts guys? I loved that there were more naked dudes all over the place.
yoo STEUPZ!!!!!!!!! Why do you always edit out the lines I love the most? Like wtf?! That shit I said wasn’t even offensive. They were just observations. Like da Obama shit wasnt bad, the white slut shit was true cuz them hoes be on sum otha shit… and the rest of the shit 2.
Only those two I really edited. I might reconsider the white girl bit.
But my first edit is always cautious.
You need to throw caution to the wind cuz you be fuckin up my flow. Them shits were funnie , i understand you used to sum bland ass tb recaps but we in a new era.
Just a different style… I changed the motel comment.
yeah that’s a nice way 2 put it. And holla, at least I got one in there. I’ll take it 4 now.
You were right though; I didn’t think this episode was all that special.
I’d give it a 6
Yeah, the bitches just got mad aroused with it seeing so much male ass, and the gay dudes well, they had their fix too… so of course they were gonna give that shit a ten. But nuttin real special happened, people need 2 stop bein such horny fucks.
Funny recap. Funny is always good. My favorite part of the show was Sam’s dream. I find him to be so sexy, and I’ve had a similar dream with him in the past, but Bill wasn’t the other guy. lol.
Anyhow, I see new avatars. I’mma have to change mine to something sexy. I’m thinking NY Mets logo.
This episode was great. When I first started watching I didn’t really like Eric but he is really sexy! That stripper was one lucky bitch.
:::sideeye:::
You can go for 6 hours?
LOL no but regardless the idea of it is still hot
Sam’s erotic dream
is that part on YouTube yet?
Of course it is on YouTube already
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqTqhet3ZuU
Hot. Bill’s never been my type. Let’s imagine that scene with Eric and Sam instead. Hmmm… It’s pretty good.
I agree, all that would be missing than would be a hot make-out scene.
Yes, though there is something to the anticipation of a kiss that never happens.
What is up with Operation Werewolf? Sounds like something out of Lost.
When the kidnappers swapped V into each other’s mouths all I could see was two rough necks snowballing.
I have a few notes here for the episode:
1. The Queen needing money because of the feds is sort of dull. I get that it lends some needed realism but I thought her motivation would be more interesting. I’m a bit disappointed that her problems are essentially the same as Wesley Snipes’.
2. How the hell did they manage to get a cell signal in the woods so clear that they were instantly able to search and find a symbol on-line. Those symbol search sites are slow as fuck to load because of all the images.
3. The Queens heels looked cheap to me. I thought a woman of her discriminating taste would have better shoes on.
4. That old lady Bill fed on had about a teaspoon of blood left in her. She wouldn’t nourish Bill or survive being fed on.
5. Snookie naive to the point of crazy. Why did she call the police and wait for them? She should’ve just followed Bill in her own car. Then she thinks of going to the Sheriff and then to Fangtasia. She drove all around the place but she never tried to find out which way Bill went.
6. The scene with Eric got me thinking. If vampires cry blood do vampires ejaculate blood too?
7. Where is the Queen getting all the blood that she is having Eric sell? Wouldn’t that be the easiest way to trace the V? I mean, it’s blood. Couldn’t they run some tests to figure out whose blood it is?
Lmao at your notes!! Too funny. Yeah they must ejaculate blood because every emotion they have produces blood, although I never thought about that before. The blood she was getting comes from vampires that are killed or some that willingly give up blood. Lafayette last season would get blood from lonesome vampires in exchange for ‘favors’. Well since they are vampires and dead, idk what kind of blood they have. It’s surely not human,so I don’t know if it can be traced. As far as Sookie, who I also keep calling Snookie. Hard habit to break. She couldn’t really follow because she was stranded at the restaurant with no car, since she was riding with Bill, so the female officer had to take her home. Though she is hella naive.
Oh, yeah. Sookie didn’t have a car. Did I call her Snookie? I did. Girl just needs to accept that everyone thinks of her that way and wear a poof.
Kenri,that ejaculating blood image just made me think of a vampire eating a girl out with her period. Would that classify as feeding? Oh god. lol.
I guess if the flow was strong enough? Maybe it’s more like an appetizer or a snack.
Actually, Anne Rice wrote about a vampire eating a girl out during her period in depth in “Tale of the body Thief”
I haven’t thought about that book in about 15 years so I can’t really say I remember that. But I did read that book. As I recall Anne Rice’s vampires are very similar to the True Blood vampires. The exception would be that there were less vampires and so less organized in Anne Rice’s world.
That and Anne Rices vamps couldn’t have sex, and of course were hidden. Too bad she stopped writing those books, maybe she would have come to the point that the vampires would stop hiding in modern times. I like the Sookie Stackhouse books, but Charlene Harris, is not close to Anne Rice when it comes to writing prose. Still, The Sookie Stackhouse books are the next best thing, and I’ve tried to read a lot of different vampire novels by different authors. The Sookie Stackhouse books are the only ones that I find interesting enough to keep reading.
I’ve been meaning to read them but haven’t yet.
good recap dl, i loved the season premiere so much was going on in one episode and poor stackhouse couldnt get it up lol
I know and Eric couldn’t get off for 6 hours. I hate when that happens.